Here are two pictures from when I'm seven; between them, they do a pretty good job of showing where I started in terms of figuring out my gender identity.
These blog posts are meant to explain how I wrote my forthcoming novel, Continental Divide, so before I get into these pictures, I should explain what two pictures of me at seven years old have to do with the novel...
As a teaser, not a spoiler, I'll say that Continental Divide is a novel about a trans-guy, Ron, who has just come out. He was a tomboy when he was a kid... and that's similar to how I felt. Hence, these pictures.
What does it feel like to be a tomboy? For me it was all about clothes and hair. What would I be allowed to wear and still be comfortable, still feel like myself? How short could I get my hair cut? There were lots of rules, but most of them were unspoken or only partially articulated. I got some of my brother's hand-me-downs, but not all of them. I could get my hair cut short but not too short.
So... in these pictures, I've got on my favorite pair of overalls. I loved them because they were the same stripes as a locomotive engineer's hat that my brother had. They were sold in the girls' section, but they were essentially unisex, and because I associated them with trains, they felt "extra" masculine.
In the left picture, I'm holding my cat William. I've got hair at the length that was the shortest I was allowed for much of my childhood - between my ears and my shoulders. On the right, I've finally won a battle and gotten my hair cut short. With this haircut, I will have my first experience of being "mistaken" for a boy. It will happen in a ladies room at a restaurant, and it will thrill me. It will be the first time that I will understand that what I feel on the inside -- that I am a boy -- can be seen (sometimes, somehow) by others. This is what starts my story. And Ron's story, too.